Random Joke Thread.. Let's Fill this Up with some Laughs...


#1

I think we all hear and have good jokes sent to us so let’s share them around
… LIST AWAY…


A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, “What’s with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The Indian Doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!”

The Chinse Businessman called out “Move it, time is money”

The Catholic Priest said, “Here comes George the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hello, George!”, said the Catholic Priest, “What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

George the greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The Indian Doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The Chinese Businessman replied, “I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls”

The Aussie said, “Why can’t they f*cking play at night?” :rofl:


#2

what does a mexican and a cue ball have in common?
.
.
.
.

.
.the harder you hit them the better the english


#3

FREDRICKS OF WEST VIRGINIA

WHEN DO YOU WANT YOUR COPY OF THE CATALOG?


#4

[b]Best Come Back Line Ever

The person who sent me this said it was recently in the Seattle

Paper … The title of the article was “Best Come Back Line Ever.”
In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd
and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how
a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a
telephone interview.
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in
it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into
it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked
up to Mr. Aylor and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Aylor.
"I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked
me straight in the face and said…

"A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already?" 

[/b]


#5

[b]THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can’t buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass

[/b]


#6

[b]AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $85,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU’RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.’

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. AREN’T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES[/b]


#7

[b]A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, ‘What are you doing?’

She answers, ‘I’m moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do to you for free.’

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into
the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m
coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a
year’.

[/b]


#8

An elephant asks a camel: “Why are your breasts on your back?” Well" says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face.”


#9

[b]A Cat named Lucky…

If you thought this was going to be a
heart wrenching story about a cat that got run over by a
truck then had to walk 100 miles home after being bitten by
a snake you would be wrong…
[/b]


#10

OZZIE WALKS INTO A BAR

AND SAYS BARTENDER

GIMME 12 SHOTS OF JACK DANIELS

BARTENDER SAYS HEY OZ 12 SHOTS

WHATS THE OCCASSION

OZZIE SAYS

TODAY IM CELEBRATING MY 1ST BLOWJOB

BARTENDER SAYS

GREAT JOB OZZIE LET ME BUY U A DRINK

OZZIE SAYS

NO THANKS…IF 12 DONT GET THE TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH

I DONT THINK 13 WILL EITHER(1312741) (1312741)


#11

[b]EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 45

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each
side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks. Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in
each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
[/b]


#12

[b]The Lone Ranger’s Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
“You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in
two days. What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. “What
is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse,… alone.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully.

For… The… Last… Time, I said…

‘BRING POSSE’
[/b]


#13

[b]On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight.
After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a
time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink. At that time of night - it
was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a
barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just
sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his
hands. When the bartender roused himself, came over and
asked, “what’ll you have?” I replied, “Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking.” When the drinks came,
the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks
and all was silent for a time. When I finished my drink I called to the
bartender for another, adding, “But this time, leave out the fruit.”

The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, “Screw you mister,
I didn’t want the first drink!”
[/b]


#14

.

A man came from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, he went to her again, and said ‘Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?’ She agreed and again they made love.

Later, he was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched her shoulder and said, ‘Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die’.

She agreed, then afterwards, she rolled over and fell asleep.

He, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. ‘Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?’

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen to me!! I have to get up in the morning!! You don’t!!

.


#15

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards… The man, who was a priest, said ‘I am a Father.’ The little boy replied ‘My Dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.’ The priest looked up from his book and answered ‘I am the Father of many.’ The boy said ‘My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.’ The priest, getting impatient, said ‘I am the Father of hundreds’ and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.


#16

[b]
This is special! EMAIL

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and Healthy.

  • Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to o get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

  • Also, I scrub The top of every can I open for the same reason.
    Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing
    characteristic.

*I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me
    with a perfume sample and rob me.

*I no longer receive packages from - nor send packages by
Australia Post or TNT since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.

  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
    a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda etc
    etc

  • I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible
    mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

  • I no longer have any sneakers – but that will change once I
    receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

  • I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
    Marcus since I now have their recipe.

  • I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have
    363,214 angels looking out for me.

  • Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
    if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within
    five minutes.

  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on
    the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th
    time).

  • I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that
    will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
    sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that
I will now return the favour! If you don’t send this e-mail to at
least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a
wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this
afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s
beautician.

                            DO  IT NOW OR ELSE.

[/b]


#17

sportsguy that was fantastic…by far the funniest thing I have read today


#18

A GUY is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a good looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry, do you know me?” She replies “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children.”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

“Christ!” he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?”

[b] “No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English teacher” /b


#19

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing racing tactics with the horse’s trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. The jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder. Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump. Nothing. He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says, “Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk.”

Sounds like some of the horses I have bet on, LOL

Papaw


#20

What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?

nothing, shes already been told twice

hahahahahhahaha